For Shame : Rock of Love 2 Finale

Rock of Love 2 has essentially dominated Sunday night TV for me and Luftmensch for the past several months. We've laughed. We've cried. We've yelled at the TV countless times. Sunday's season finale leaves us feeling somewhat empty inside, as we're not sure how we'll go on without Bret and his harem of strippers, Playmates, wanna-be actresses, headcases, and a possible transvestite with a French accent who requires grammatically incorrect subtitles (well, at least until Rock of Love 3 debuts). I don't know how we'll be able to fall asleep on Sundays without Unskinny Bop and Don't Need Nothin But a Good Time playing over and over in our heads after hearing them for the billionth time on the show. It's down to Daisy and Ambre, neither of which he totally trusts (shocker). We'd like to help him out and offer some friendly advice as he makes this truly life-changing decision...

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Dee's case for Ambre:

I had planned on going to bat for Ambre by touting her girl-next-door qualities. That is, until I did some in-depth research (i.e. visited her MySpace page and personal website) and discovered that she's an aspiring actress - granted, the only aspiring actress on the show who doesn't seem to have a porn movie on her resume. And here I thought she was just like the rest of us women who grew up with posters of Bret Michaels or (insert your teen idol's name here) taped to our bedroom walls. I thought she might actually be close to living out that pipe-dream many of us have at some point of finding true love in a rock star - without resorting to being a trashy groupie to achieve that dream. And I suppose that could still be the case to a certain extent. But a red flag has gone up now that I've reviewed her resume, as her primary motive for being on the show might be to get more exposure for her acting career. (Gasp!) I never would have expected this out of a reality TV star. However, I still contend that Ambre has more going for her than Daisy if her heart really is in it, as she claims. If Bret is truly looking for a rock of love (as in solid), he's not going to find it in Daisy, who is composed entirely of squishy collagen and silicone. I mean, have you seen those sculpted abs on Ambre? That takes hard work, especially at age 37. Let's recap what else Ambre has going for her:

• She's confident and comfortable in her own skin. Therefore, she is able to recognize and call out every mentally unstable, insecure chick on the show. In case you didn't know, every chick on the show is mentally unstable and insecure, except Ambre.


• She has a real career that doesn't involve poles.


• She has a Bachelor's degree from Troy State University and a Master's degree from Michigan State University. I'm guessing Daisy couldn't find Michigan on a map.
  None of her ex boyfriends would come on the show and give up any dirt on her to Bret. Nor did they want to take advantage of the opportunity to promote their band or bar that they own.


• Being a rather competitive person myself, I was impressed with her ability to get down and dirty during Bret's Mud Bowl II. Her legs were torn to shreds all in the name of Bret's love. I'm surprised Daisy didn't deflate, melt or start leaking silicone after one tackle.


• She actually grew up during the Poison era and remembers Bret Michaels when he had his own hair.

Having said all of this, if Bret is a true rock star, he'll pick Daisy. He can satiate himself and then kick her to the curb just in time for a third installment of Rock of Love and another solo tour. If he ends up with Ambre, I don't think the Bret Michaels Is 44 and Pregnant series would be nearly as entertaining. I think Luftmensch will agree that Bret made a big mistake when he ended Inna's tour a few episodes ago. She had Rock of Love written all over her Ukranian Love Tank self. Good luck with your decision, Bret, and keep it on a rockin.'

Luftmensch's case for Daisy:

Daisy, Daisy,
Give me your answer do
I'm half crazy,
All for the love of you

When I sat down to put a bow on this post, I suddenly, and inexplicably, had a change of heart. After eagerly devouring each episode of Rock Of Love 2, I was completely prepared to make a lowest common denominator final plea for Daisy. For starters, I was going to rail on Ambre, or more likely, Amber. I was going to rail on the fact she lied about her age, even if it was for a good reason: we all know that odometer will be rolling over any day now. If Bret needs an idea of what Ambre is going to look like in a couple years, he need only visit the Mall of America around the holidays and grab a good bench across from the crepe stand. I was also going to go off on the fact that she has exactly one expression, sort of a Macaulay Culkin/Home Alone thing with a little "Someone just goosed my ass" thrown in for good measure. Then I was going to mention the fact that the broad never shuts up. Remember that date at Opaque? Blah blah blah gotta feel it blah blah blah something real blah blah blah can't fake it. There's no way Bret can withstand that constant prattle when he's writing yet another variation of Every Rose Has Its Thorn. Finally, I was going to predict that choosing Ambre would guarantee that Bret will be accepting a Grammy for a record of duets with Linda Ronstadt within five years.

Then I was going to talk up Daisy, in the most boorish fashion possible. How young she is and that all of her parts are still under warranty. How she looks uncannily like a mouse waking from anesthesia when she cries (don't ask, just take my word for it). That fact that Golden Boy may or may not be her uncle. How she could play bass and warble backing vocals if Bret ever decided to give a Wings sort of thing a go. She's the clear choice. Sure, the fact that she has better ink than Bret would be an issue at first, but they could work through it; I'm fairly certain she would gladly offer to have her left arm amputated. And, of course, Bret would have to get over the nagging feeling that he was kissing C.C. Deville whenever he gave the missus a smooch. What other choice is there? If Bret didn't select Daisy, then what? She immediately overtakes Britney and Amy Winehouse as a death pool favorite, and if they could extricate her from the house (big IF, I'm imagining the jaws of life would need to be employed). She would ultimately have to crawl back to her one-room apartment in Hollywood where she wouldn't have sex with Charles for two more years.

Yeah, it was all a big joke, until I started thinking about the bigger picture. About destiny, the concept, not Destiney who was sent packing last week. I started thinking about poor Charles. Maybe this isn't about Bret and Daisy or Bret and Ambre, but rather about Charles and his destiny. Think about it. This guy, while not the archetypal American, is certainly the archetypal rock drummer: handsome, tattooed, not real bright, but slightly menacing and completely sponging off his stripper girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend, depending upon who you believe). What if Bret's choosing Daisy was just the kick in the ass Charles needed? What if the Rock of Love 2 was merely the opening act for what will become, wait for it, a heavy metal version of The Great Gatsby?

If you're not up on your F. Scott Fitzgerald, here's a nice synopsis. Substitute Bret for Tom Buchanan, Daisy for Daisy (coincidence?) Buchanan and Charles for Gatsby and the rest falls pretty neatly into place. And how about this passage from the novel:

They were careless people, Tom and Daisy—they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made....

Of course, The Great Gatsby ends on a down note. Our depressed protagonist floating in a pool when he is shot by a grieving husband, who then offs himself on an opulent lawn. But our version doesn't have to end like that. Say Bret chooses Daisy and Charles ends up living in a dumpster. Maybe then he would pull himself up by his bootstraps in true Horatio Alger fashion, possibly reinventing himself, and making his way from the janitor's closet to the corporate boardroom. Flush with success, yet strangely empty inside, he buys a home near Mr. and Mrs. Bret Michaels and, as a changed man, attempts to woo back Daisy.

Maybe it's a little far-fetched, but it's not impossible, but if it were to go down like that, I'm thinking that Bret would be OK. He seems like a romantic, and we all know he will eventually get tired of Daisy trying to cook Hot Pockets in the tanning bed. The Gatsby scenario would actually be a great relief for him, as well as the first non-surgical boost to Daisy's self-esteem. Daisy. Say it with me. Daisy.

And now, I too sit here brooding on the old unknown world thinking of Charles' wonder when Daisy finally, and no doubt tearfully, agreed to be Bret's Rock of Love.

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.



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